Monday, 18 March, 2019
There are two types of stress in this life, (so I have learned): distress and eustress. While distress can be debilitating for a person and lead to a lack of functioning and depression, eustress can be quite the opposite. It can be exhilarating and even improve performance.
Providing that the stress is short term, that it does not tax a person beyond their coping abilities and feels a little exciting, then this is most likely eustress. In contrast distress characteristics can be:
There are no prizes for guessing which type of pressure is most associated with family law proceedings. Unsurprisingly, divorce (or breakdown of any long-term relationship) is commonly listed as one of the top three most stressful life events of all time. It is generally proceeded only by the death of a loved one and (on some lists) significant childhood trauma.
There is little doubt that family law clients experience, in one form or another, one of the worst things that has ever happened to them in life. There is even less doubt that every individual’s response to stress varies greatly. However, if the person concerned has already experienced the death of a loved one, and / or has suffered severe childhood trauma, then family law stress for them, can be even greater. In one family law trial, the treating doctor for the mother who had been abused in her childhood, commented that this type of person may “not adapt or deal with such stressful situations, as well as a person, who has not been the subject of abuse”. [i]
When children are involved in family law proceedings, the stress is oft exacerbated. There might be continued contact with the ex-partner, husband or wife and this may be distressing in its own right. There are the handovers to arrange and the new step parents to consider. There is also frustration and sadness surrounding many separations which can be as difficult for the children to overcome as it is for the parent(s) - if not more so. The break down of the family may also mean, for some, leaving a much-loved home, and for many children a new life divided between two houses.
When domestic violence is a factor in family law matters, either before, during or after a break up, stress for the victim and their children, (in some instances), is greatly magnified. Where family violence is endemic in a parental relationship it has the potential to be damaging for children in a variety of ways. Most obviously they may be directly injured by an episode of violence or at the very least frightened by it.[ii] The unenviable type of stress and long-term effects associated with being a victim of domestic violence is, as yet, immeasurable.
It is essential for those involved in family law proceedings to look after themselves, and clearly their children. Parents who find healthy ways to do so through times of great stress are stronger and more available for their children. They are also good role models. Knowing that family law problems can be stressful means that a certain amount of stress is somewhat predictable. Synonyms of predictable include foreseeable, par for the course and inevitable. When an event is anticipated, much like a storm which has been announced, there can be planning, and protective measures put in place.
If you are experiencing family law stressors, hit the pause button, take time out and protect yourself in any healthy way which works for you, even if it sounds ridiculous. Ultimately you will be able to weather the storm far better when you are stronger and calmer. In addition, happier, stronger and calmer equals more able to make better decisions for you and your family during the most difficult times of your life when the decisions you make now will affect the rest of your life (and maybe your children’s).
For dedicated family lawyers, the real-life stress felt by those who are separating or who have already done so, is never far their minds, as is the fact that it their clients, (rather than them), who will live with the results of their work long after the family law proceedings are over. This is a heavy burden from which there is little respite for those who truly care about their work. At Bruce Legal, we understand the stress of family law and moreover, what real life is like for our clients, even after our involvement ceases.
For a free consultation to discuss your matter and receive initial advice, tailor made to your situation, call us on (07) 5503 0233 or contact us through our website: www.brucelegal.com.au.
Author: Bruce Legal
[i] C & C [2006] FamCA 230 (3 February 2006), 72.
[ii] Boyd & Owen [2016] FCCA 3209 (21 December 2016) 153; In The Marriage of Patsalou (1994) 18 Fam LR 426